


Mall Cops: New Heroes Rise

by Fledglinguist



Category: Original Work, Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Movies)
Genre: (Also more than one!), (More than one!), Action, Autistic Character, Comedy, Crack, He's not the star, Non-binary character, Not Beta Read, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Paul Blart really only cameos in this, Quick heads up, Self-Indulgent, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Who let me have a keyboard?, bi character, dear god
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25183492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fledglinguist/pseuds/Fledglinguist
Summary: In a world where a 'Murica's favorite past time is threatened, a new generation of heroes must rise to defeat evil. Whilst on a segway, preferably.-Or-What if me and my best friend had our own "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" movie? Who's gonna stop me? Am I slowly descending into madness? Answers to all these questions, and more, inside!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Mall Cops: New Heroes Rise

**Author's Note:**

> In the summer of 2019, my best friend and I came up with the idea for an extension of the BCU (Blart Cinematic Universe). In this movie, we'd be typical Comedy/Action heroes, fight crime, and be amazing. We then agreed it was a terrible idea. But, it’s all I feel like writing. So, enjoy. Or don't, I'm not the boss of you.

The camera soars through the air, like a majestic eagle, flying gracefully through the opening credits, as “Pomp and Circumstance.” plays in the background. The music dies down as we land on a police academy graduation. Some highly decorated man, that we’re probably meant to respect, stands at a podium, blathering on:

“...And so to this year’s graduates, I implore you; do your jobs! And serve bravely as members of the metropolitan police force for the beautiful city of-!”

Aw, wait, this is the wrong graduation. Nobody wants to see this one. Hold on.

The camera wooshes, like a third-grader on a big wheel, over to the local burger chain. Through the drive-thru, past the fry cook, around the cashier, and into the play place. This, this is where our story begins! We see a smaller, cozier, graduation taking place here, among the day-old fries, and small children running amok. A stereo is playing a royalty-free version of “Celebration” and we see the Manager of the ‘restaurant’ addressing the group gathered in sarcastic monotone: “And, now without further ado, your certified Mall Cop Academy Instructor, Mr. Paul Blart.”

A large man with a crew cut and a beautiful mustache, addresses the group. A child in a near-by high chair throws a chicken nugget at his face. He catches out of mid-air, and throws it back in tho the child’s mouth. He’s just that good.

“Hello,” he greets, waving awkwardly. “To all this year’s graduating officers of the Paul Blart School of Mall Cops. I’m your instructor, Paul Blart.”

The six gathered students, all in mall cop uniforms, clap.

“I’m not a man for fancy speeches. I just want you all to know that I’m proud of you, and that I believe in you. I believe that you can keep your malls, and by extension, this country safe.” He’s teared up a little. “And now, your assignments. First, Lucy and Roberto. You two are experts at deterring shoplifters; you’ve been assigned Jefferson Plaza Mall, in the West Pines Neighborhood. Make us proud!” He slaps them on the back, handing them their diplomas, and two file-folders with their assignments. Their classmates again clap, enthusiastically. The burger-joint manager claps, too, but only to be polite.

“Next up, Ji-won, and Riley. You kids are experts at dealing with the public, so you’re at the Family Time Mall in the East Court Gated Community’s Plaza.”

They high five as they receive their assignments, hugging Paul Blart and crying. It’s very emotional.

Paul wipes his eyes, as they go back to their seats.  
“And finally, our valedictorians, who have shown themselves to be the cream of the mall cop crop, Laurence “Larry” Chunk, and Margo Pickles!”

And now everyone claps again, but this time with the addition of hoots and hollers! Even the restaurant manager claps, and smiles! (Mostly because she’s Margo’s sister-in-law, which is why the graduation is here in the first place, but whatever.)

We see our heroes for the first time! Larry is a compact young man, with dark shaggy hair, and round glasses like a grandpa might wear. He has a stim toy in one hand, and a trans pride flag pin on his shirt pocket. He has a strong ‘John Mulaney’ vibe, sort of a soft chaos man. He seems apprehensive, but pleased none-the-less.

Next to him is Margo, a chubby young woman, with tired eyes, and a gap-tooth smile. She an air as though she might offer you a granola bar from her purse at any moment. Or perhaps commit arson. She seems nice either way, though. She has a bi pride pin on her pocket, and hands an energy drink off to her sister-in-law as she makes her way up to where Paul Blart is standing.

“And your assignment is…” here Paul Blart, Senior Admiral Mall Cop (a position invented just for him), pauses, for dramatic effect.

There’s a tense silence. People bite their nails. A ten-year-old at the playground pauses in taking off her My Littlest Horsies sneakers. The air is still, except for a drum roll playing form an unknown source.

“The Big Central Forest Mall, off route 80!”

Crickets. (No one said this place was sanitary.)

Larry asks, “What?” confused.

Margo, blunt to a fault, “That’s the most boring mall in the area!? What the heck, Admiral Blart?!”

What the heck, indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued...


End file.
